It have taken me years of healing to come to terms and accept that what I went through was in fact mental abuse, and to come to terms with accepting that it has left psychological scars in me. For years I denied it and alltho it took me years to get away from my narc, even after going “no contact” and falling back in to the traps (hoovering) and getting back out again. Even after I was free and he didn’t bother me anymore. He moved on and or found some other form of narcissistic supply, I convinced myself that I was fine. For a long time. It’s just recently actually that I have discovered that all that I went through actually have left some serious scars in my psych, and I haven’t been able to sit with the pain or deal with it. I haven’t been able to put it in to words until now. (Be prepared , this is gonna be a long read and I’ll babble a lot)
I have done a lot of research, mostly because I needed validation as towards to what I was feeling and going through, I needed to get some reassurance that I am not going Insane and that I am not alone. And in return I found out that I am definitely not alone, in fact, this problem I encountered with my narcissist is also a million other people (mostly women) gone through the same thing. And it’s shocking how common it really is. I know it’s bad to put everyone under the same roof (I am not saying that all men are narcissist) but in today’s modern society they are literally everywhere among us and I don’t know why. It can’t possibly be that they all had bad childhoods and loveless mothers who didn’t care enough for them.. can it ?
I was seeking so many answers. I did so much research trying to heal myself. When you go through something like this and the episodes after the first breakup or the final breakup you feel worthless or maybe un-lovable – and some might have panic attacks and have problems even with eating and sleeping.
I bought audio books (the power of the pussy ! Yes I know the title is amazing but it’s a really amazing book)
I volunteered to help other women suffering from their spouses/ boyfriends who had NPL (narcissistic personality disorder .. yep it’s a thing). I shared my experience with thousands of others in hope that it might help someone get out before it’s too late.
I guested a podcast (narcissist apocalypse survivor podcast ) I have also found a lot of comfort listening to these podcasts and other women’s stories similar to mine.
And there is also the podcast called Queen Beeing by Angie Atkinson who I can highly recommend for your healing journey. It really helps get your mind of things and to stay strong and focused on your main goal and to never forget why you are here in the first place. To get the fuck out and find closure and peace.
A narcissist Will never give you closure , the only way to get them out of you life and staying clear is to go NO CONTACT. It’s the only thing that works. I promise you. The road during No Contact period will be tough and tricky, you might feel like you’re drowning in an ocean of your own sad emotions and you just wanna cry and you might feel like the only person who can take you out of the misery and make the pain go away is if things were back to normal with your soon to be x partner. Or x. I am telling you, it’s not going to be easy, this might be the / one of the hardest things you have to do in your life because a narc is a specialist to make you feel t jag you are nothing without them and that you need them.
A woman on an average falls back to her abuser about 7 times before she leaves him for good, it’s completely normal to feel everything you are feeling. But know that you are not alone and never forget that no contact is the only thing that works.
If you are unsure about if you are with a narcissist or not, here are a few examples on what might have happened that made you feel uncomfortable.
Controlling – the need to control- guilt feeling you to feel guilty when you haven’t done anything wrong (this could be anything from looking at them the wrong way to not holding the cutlery the correct way or convincing you that you flirt with other guys / looking at other men when you are really not)
Gaslighting – being told you’re crazy when you know you’re not.
Slowly or completely isolating you from your friends and family – they might say that they don’t like your friends or that your friends doesn’t like them. Saying your friends are jealous of what you two have, or even come up with scenarios that your family doesn’t like them so naturally you slowly separate yourself from them to make your partner happy or to avoid any drama.
You are Always walking on eggshells – you never know what mood your partner is at when you talk to them so you can never fully relax or be yourself as you never know when the next explosion of mood swings are coming or they always misunderstand you. You’ll look at your message before you send it and you’ll take in consideration what time it is during the day. If they just woke up. Have they had their morning coffee yet . Make sure you put enough emojis so they know you too are in a good mood” etc etc.
Sexual entrapment – when they guilttrip you into performing sexual acts that you are not really ok with but you do it anyways because you don’t want to upset them or they want to have sex but you don’t want to so they call you boring or her names so you end up doing it anyway just to make them stop. (this is never ok)
Name calling and anger tantrums – when from out of nowhere they lose their temper and throws bad words and personally attack you verbally for no reason/ belittles you, talks down to you, telling you what to wear … etc (even if there is a reason there is never any reason that is ok for this behaviors)
Financially codependent on your partner – in the beginning it might seem like they care out of love and they don’t want you to work- cute you think… but no. This is strictly a method to make you completely dependent on them for anything you need. Don’t fall for that and don’t let them strip you from your job.
Silent treatment – when you have done Nothing but somehow they are very upset and you don’t know why then they disappear for days – weeks – sometimes months with no explanation and they won’t talk to you, leaving you feeling confused. This is a form of mental torture. They do this to gain control over you. So they can come back whenever it’s suitable for them.
This was just a few examples but the list is long. If you ever find yourself here then guess what – it’s time to get the eff out.
So how did all this leave such big scars on me you might ask ? Well lemme tell ya…
for me- and this is my personal journey , it made me not trust men- it ruined my sex drive, (it’s almost like I resent sex now and sex is not important to me at all)
I have a hard time believing what people are telling me. I tended to cheat on guys I dated after because I was never gonna let any other man play me so instead I thought if he is playing me then I am gonna do it first then at least I’m not a fool (super unhealthy behavior but at the time it was all I knew) I still to this day have a very hard time to opening up about my emotions, finding words to describe what I feel without my throat muscles tightening up and I feel nervous…
I easily feel like the other person thinks I am needy. I’m scared that others might think I am needy and dumb, (alltho I am so fucking smart you have no idea, but the thought of having someone belittle me is terrifying) . I became reckless and I built a wall of my ego and attitude that over time became so harsh that I have a hard time letting my guard down. In fact think that I have probably ruined every other relation after my narc episode because I can’t or I am not able to or not interested to trust in full . Only to protect myself from what they might do. Only to end up later on, being the one who gets hurt.
Every guy I’ve dated after my narcissist has never been able to communicate with me. I either do whatever I want and they follow for a while .. or , I tend to think that the new guy is going to try and control me if I am not able to do whatever I want. God forbid the “new guy” would ask of me to please not do anything because he felt that I am too much in some cases or asks me to not post so many bikini pics, I would be outraged and tell him the door is over there . Instead of hearing him out .. seeing his side of the story. And the “new guy” not knowing why I act like this ends up thinking I have a huge ego and and awful attitude … and everything gets ruined. Because “new guy” doesn’t know what I’ve been through in my past because I don’t talk about my past with my “new partners” so how can they know ?! (This is just an example of a scenarios that have happened to me in the past).
But you see, my scars from my narc left me torn between not knowing what is love, how to trust again and letting someone in to my heart in fear of getting hurt, and just settling for what feels safe and secure. Now I don’t even know if I value passion more or if I just want stability and safety , or a combination of all of that. And it all has to start with me and setting boundaries for what is ok or not. And I slipped up at setting boundaries back then so I never really knew how to set them in the first place because my narc left me feeling unworthy and useless.
I took my hurt heart and turned it into rage… and I think I’ve probably been on a rage bender for 6-7 years now. Which also is self sabotage because as long as you are angry and raging and refusing to let people in, you will just only end up resenting anyone who doesn’t meet your level of energy – the level of understanding and willingness to understand from the get go and even then You’ll find yourself enjoying those people for a whole while, but when things get too serious you don’t sit with your feeling but you run away from it. So even then after all it has been so hard to get back up in the game because I’m just left with “nobody understands”
Yet – I’ve realized that I have been avoiding the issue itself . I’ve been thinking I am ok, functioning like a normal person- living life and dealing with things a regular normal person does on a regular basis. But I haven’t sat with my feelings and really dealt with them on this matter.
So .. here is me dealing with them, promising to communicate and explain to the next person in my life that I will explain why I am the way I am and promising myself to set boundaries to avoid ending up with another narcissist. I will take no shit but yet try and put my ego on the side when I have to. I will promise to trust that not everyone is trying to control me but just have my best interest in mind and that they too are coming from a good place.
There is a few things you can do to avoid meeting another narc, or to save yourself from ending up in another narcs’ web again.
Be aware of the signs: Because always in the beginning it might seem like you’re soulmates . They are very quick to sleeze their way in to your friends and quick to tell you they dont like some of them, the times you spend with them alone are magical – in the beginning- they can get mad when you don’t spend all your time with them. They wanna slowly try and isolate you from your friends. This is a big warning. They might complain a lot about everything- examples can be – your lifestyle – how you spend your money- how you spend your free time doing things that they don’t do, it can be a list of things they want you to do in terms of exercise. Could be that they call u lazy very often, accused you of lying about everything you say , saying they don’t trust you based on old stories from your past. They can very often create unnecessary drama and project their own doing on to you and so on.
So stay clear for all these warning signs, set boundaries. If you have tried to reach out numerous of times and still things fall back in the old pattern (love bombimg – things are great- then suspicion happens – accusations – you having to defend yourself even you have nothing done anything – the silent treatment – you having to apologize even you don’t even know what you’re apologizing for – then things age great again) yeah you know that circle !? Yeah – then it’s time to get the fuck out and remember that you won’t get closure and narcissists can’t feel any empathy , just accept that for the time being you were nothing but narcissistic supply and it’s time to remove yourself from the situation and move on. I know it hurts . And it’s not gonna be easy , but back to what I said : NO CONTACT is the only thing that works.
I hope this and my story here might help someone who is in need of some support or seeking validation. You are not crazy and I love you. Stay strong , you’ll get through this and after when it’s done , you’ll look back and think to yourself “what the actual fuck was I thinking”
Camilla Jacobsen - It´s my life, let me live it. 