This is it

Hello February!! This month, it’s happening! Here we are! new things are around the corner, a new journey and a clean sleet.

Many people are going into the new year in a new relationship, I am going into this new year single AF! and I am not even intending to meet someone new for a while! I think I’ll pass!

I need to heal first! It’s been such a roller coaster of emotions being hot and cold that I’ve nearly lost my damn mind and went through the wall!

It sucks when you are stuck in the same circle over and over again and nothing gets better or even barely meet in the middle. I have been feeling so mentally drained and trying my best to keep my shit together and working through things so I could feel better but all in all, the problem was never there with me to begin with in the first place. I’ve come to realize that no matter what I would have done it would never have worked out, because when two people just ain’t compatible then as heartbreaking as it is, it’s just not gonna work no matter how much you think you love and want that person.

If you have to change the person you truly are for the comfort of another person, then that’s not your person. You should never have to adapt or alter your personality so that someone else will be comfortable. They should either love all of you or not have you at all. There is no gray zones there and trust me I really wanted it to be. I was holding on to a dream and a fantasy that everything eventually would work out.

I think the hardest part for me was to come to terms that right now I have to let go of this person. And it sucked. Because I really didn’t want to. I really didn’t want to. I wanted this person in my life forever. When tears and heartache becomes more frequent and the arguments become louder and the talking becomes screaming and screaming becomes yelling and the respect is gone. It doesn’t matter how much you want it to work, both needs to want it to work.. and you have to remove yourself from the situation. I’ve probably had every bad word in the book thrown at me and I’ve had personal things I’ve shared in vulnerable moments thrown back at me used as ammo in arguments as well and I should have left already back then because the more I took, I think I was teaching him that I was a weak and I didn’t stand up for myself and I allowed it to continue in some weird way. It makes me sick that someone can treat a person like that. Why be together in the first place then.. right?!

NO!! That was the biggest mistake from my side. I’m not saying I was an angel either cus if you come at me and push my buttons you’ll be damn sure I’m gonna fire back at you. The combination of the two of us just wasn’t a very good combo at all. We had the passion, the fire, the chemistry, the good times. YES, but the communication and the way we live our life and our values were totally different. The definition and meaning of respect and values are totally different for both of us. It would never have worked and it’s heartbreaking.

I’ve been struggling with coming to terms with this for a long time and I’ve never spoken about it. It’s been the hardest time of my life with an inner struggle where I am not ok. Seeming ok on the outside. But on the inside I’ve just been a mess.

It’s fucking hard to always be the person with the good vibe and the good energy when all you wanna do is just dig a hole in the ground and disappear until you feel better. When everyone expects you to be the one who brings the good vibes. Let me tell you, it’s hard to bring the good vibes when you’re falling apart on the inside.

Time heals all wounds.. it’s true.. but you’ll never forget what brought you here and how you are feeling. I will never wish anyone bad energy or any harm, but I do believe in karma.

I was so afraid to let go, it feels like I can’t breathe sometimes, but I was losing myself and right now I am ok with letting go because I am just done with putting up with all the arguing and screaming. Nobody deserves that. Not me, not him. Not you or anyone.

It’s heartbreaking that the person I thought was my soulmate turned out to be the one who pulled out the nastyness in something that was supposed to be the best chapter of my life. And I don’t know what the game was. What was the purpose of all this.. it seems so pointless. To me it was all so real. You’d get confused sometimes when you think you know someone and their intentions and after a while when it’s all too late cus by then you’re already hooked on that person. You’d think that person would never hurt you or behave in a way or even say the things they say. It’s a slap in the face. And each time it gets worse and worse and it’s more frequent every single time… it’s a horrible feeling which leaves you speechless every single time.

If you’re struggling like this or been going through this as well, the only advice I can give you is that this is your journey, you will not be able to let go until YOU are ready to let go fully. No friend, no family member, no work colleague or any article or podcast can make you make up your mind faster. It has to be you and your heart. And it will come when you’re ready and you feel that you have had enough. Until then Just take your time, you’ll know when you’re ready.

It’s not gonna happen over night. But eventually you’re gonna get there, and it’s gonna suck. You’re gonna feel like shit. But guess what, once you’re done with sitting in your emotions and working through those, day by day, it will get brighter and you’ll feel lighter.

Take time to heal. And learn, now you know what you don’t want. What you will never accept. And you’ll know for the future all the flags you’re gonna look out for. You’ll know when to RUN! But sit with your feelings. Heal yourself. See a psychologist or a therapist if you must! It’s nothing wrong with that! Sometimes it’s better talking to someone professional that bombarding your friends with the same things over and over again when you’re stuck.. Work through it. Start some gym classes, maybe pick up a new hobby. Keep yourself busy.

Things will get better. I promise you that. Listen to your heart and know that this is your journey. You will make it in your own time when you are ready ❤️