The birthday hassle and decisions to be made

So this year is odd, and has been a turbulent emotional and least to say such an unsure and sensitive year so far… I am not gonna complain. I have so many things I am grateful for and I truly appreciate the lessons that has come with it all.

It feels wrong to celebrate in such a time anyways. I don’t even feel like I am Me. I’m more having a constant feeling of “what the hell am I doing” and the endless waiting for it all to be over is just never ending.

And since my birthday is coming up in only a few days , Sunday to be exact … I am starting to feel the stress from other people. Asking me what I am doing for my birthday. To be honest, I haven’t even thought about my birthday. I haven’t felt like celebrating and I am not feeling like being around people either . I feel like I can put my focus elsewhere. I feel like I need to rest. And chill. And clear my head and stay in my game. Not celebrate my birthday. (I know . Weird huh?) plus, not only that, but I miss my family so freaking much and my friends back home in Sweden and Norway… I always make the best out of every situation but right now it is what it is.

How ever , I’ll probably end up doing something for my birthday. But it’s annoying that people expect me to celebrate and fix and organize everything, so they can be satisfied that I did something for my birthday… isn’t that weird ?!

For instance . If I do my birthday I have 3 different friends groups that doesn’t match and mix. This problem I really don’t give a rats ass about on my bday.. either they come or they don’t.

Then , the other problem is that people coming to my birthday always take for granted that everything is complimentary, otherwise they’re not coming (which I can understand thinking about these times we’re in and people are out of jobs ) but it’s also very hard for me to host a party of “50” people and having a restaurant or lounge cover all expenses just for the sake of “being nice”

So then I’m torn in to just throwing a party at home and let who ever wanna come show up… but I don’t wanna do that either because , 1) I’m OCD and people make a mess and since it’s my bday I wanna relax and enjoy the day as much as I can… and 2) I have 2 dogs around here and I am not sure I wanna stress them out with that many people in one go…

So the question is .. what do I do ??

At the moment I am torn between what i mentioned above and …..—-> booking a brunch and letting everyone join who wants to join and let that be it. everyone can pay for themselves …. and we’ll make the best of it ..

What do you think I should do?

I wanna go to a place that I enjoy … I don’t want any drama . I don’t wanna be fixing everything for everyone , I just wanna enjoy my day , hassle free and get drunk and go home to my bed and sleep it off when it’s all over 😂