Here’s a little something long

The other day I was thinking about the things in life that are the way that they are because of episodes i’ve been through in life up until this point. I think it’s interesting that significant episodes forms the person we are today. What are your episodes?

For me personally, for example , I can’t sleep with the duvet over my shoulders, because I went through an episode with my childhood friend’s brothers in school, and as a joke, they were messing with us and they shoved us in a sleeping bag and tightened the ends so we couldn’t get out, this has a dramatic turn on me then where we freaked out and couldn’t breathe and they left us there for a very long time. I was panicking. I’m sure the brothers of my friend who was waaaaay older than us found it very funny and amusing but to me (I was about 9 years old) it was traumatic and now I can’t have anything over my head when I sleep. 😂

On another note, I dated an abusive narcissist for a few years as well… that In the end, I ended up with a diploma in knowing the cycles of narcissism, physical, sexual, economic and mental abuse. I know how hard it is to leave a relationship like that and when you are pulled in and the diminishing and discard and the abuse only gets worse and worse. I’m not gonna get in to details on that but that deserves it’s own post because I can go on and on about this topic and how I got out. I see the red flags waaay ahead now and I am never ever gonna allow for anyone to treat me like that again.

So I just wanted to say that this is one thing I don’t understand, I have had an amazing childhood, so I don’t know what it is that marks me, that I attracted these type of men in my life. (Psychology says that attracting narcissist into your life can happen to anyone with a people pleasing and entertaining personality, and my personality is definitely an entertainer! I love fun! But psychology and research says it can also be related to trauma from your childhood such as parents neglect resulting to the need to be loved heard and seen which then itself makes you an easy prey for the narc)

But My childhood was almost perfect if I can say it like that. Loving parents, a great support system, how ever, I was bullied in school, I was very much alone and the only girl in my neighborhood growing up and things were hard feeling that I was not heard or listened to by teachers. I don’t know if that has something to do with it?! Feel free to anazlyse and come with inputs. But there is nothing else that pisses me more off than comments from people who don’t understand narcissism and they hit with a comment like “why didn’t you just leave if it was so bad” well, it’s not that easy to leave when you are made to depend on them completely and you truly believed in that moment that you are nothing without them. That’s the reality. It’s not that you don’t want to leave. Because you do. But you are stripped and robbed from everything in your life (work, money, friends, family, being told what to do, yelled at for the smallest things, being ordered around, maybe even beaten, or threatened and raped, you are scared all the time) and brainwashed to think you are nothing without them.

So a simple thing as leaving to some, became the biggest task in life to us who has lived through it, so that being said, have some understanding when you are listening to or talking to someone who’s been through hell and back before you come with that comment. It’s a really sensitive topic, but saying things like that is literally the same ignorant as blaming the girl for being raped because she was wearing “seductive clothes” and that must mean she is asking for it.. (that’s also another topic for another day) This world is so fucked up. And yet there are still people out there who lives in this belief.. about worth and range and clans and religion and all this other bullshit.

This makes me so angry, but I think I’m modern enough and I am definitely not closed minded that I can let people be doing the stupid shit they do and not get offended by other peoples ignorance because that is more about them than it is about me.

But I’ll be damned to sit on the sideline and see my friends or other humans being mistreated in abusive relationships and violence against women and children. And this is probably because I went through it myself and since I came out of it, I know what it takes and how hard it is. And if I can pass on my knowledge and strengths to others to help them get out of the hell they go through, I will. And I will always speak up.

And this comes from my mom, she is a very strong individual with her own voice and opinions. I definitely got this side from her. Right from wrong and the ability to see things from both sides in conflict but also- the most important thing- to take no shit! I also think this is why I was so embarrassed for myself and my actions of not being able to leave my abuser sooner, I should have left when I saw the first red flags. (2013)

I was dragged Into this swirl of a bad cycle and before I knew it I was hooked, and this was something I was so ashamed of, still I couldn’t leave until I was able to leave. And me leaving was in the end me not taking any more shit. And we are not taking shit from anyone ever again. ✊🏼

And then, also been working in an industry as a model and with nightlife and all these travels and shows, magazines and television productions I’ve done, has also formed me to become the version of myself that I am today.

I was living my dream, I was very lucky and it wasn’t a day where I didn’t think about that. Things could have gone so wrong, I could have been kidnapped or ended up as a human trafficking victim (all mothers nightmare) but I was blessed enough to be with the right people. At least the right people around me who taught me how this industry works. (The modeling, the casinos, the nightlife and clubs, the VIP’s, the celebrities, The good and the bad)

I’ve seen men cheat on their wives multiple times and this has probably caused me to lose respect for a lot of men in this region, I see men treat women like they are toys and Eye candy, I’ve seen men Have zero respect for relations. I’ve seen men use their friends, I’ve seen men suck up to other men for status… I’ve seen men going from zero to something based on scams and fake news, and I’ve seen men thinking they are entitled because of their surname or social status. I think this has really caused me to lose respect, and this caused me to act like the bro instead of the fragile girl you have to be careful around.

Nah, this definitely caused me to treat men the same way they treat women. Listen, Before you attack me, I am Not saying all men are like that (cus there are still some good men out there who are loyal and worships their women) I definitely give back the same energy if it’s a vibe. – You should listen to Ciara – “like a boy”to get the feel of what I mean.

Anyways that’s enough for today! I’ve got so many more interesting points, but the post became way longer than I expected😂 I want you to wake up every morning and decide that this day is going to be good! And then You just go out and grab it! It’s yours ❤️ thanx for reading! Have a great day ❤️

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